The Despair of an Ordinary Pastor

In his recent book, 'Memoirs of an Ordinary Pastor', D.A. Carson captures the moving and encouraging life story of his father, Pastor Tom Carson. Tom Carson spent his life ministering to the people of Canada in the Quebec and Montreal regions. He never was famous. He was not big. He did not author a book. He often felt despair for his apparent failures in his ministry.

In one section, Dr. Carson talks about his dad's perfectionist mentality. This always left Tom Carson feeling like he could have done more. This led to periods of Tom Carson's life where he felt deep despair and a sense of failure. Of this, D.A. Carson writes,

"So many aspects of ministry demand excellence, and there are not enough hours in the day to be excellent in all of them. It is rare for me to finish a sermon without feeling somewhere between slightly discouraged and moderately depressed that I have not preached with more unction, that I have not articulated these glorious truths more powerfully and with greater insight and so forth. But, I cannot allow that to drive me to despair; rather, it must drive me to a greater grasp of the simple and profound truth that we preach and visit and serve under the Gospel of Grace, and God accepts us because of His son. I must learn to accept myself, not because of my putative successes but because of the merits of God's Son. The ministry is so open-ended that one never feels that all possible work has been done, or done as well as one might like. There are always more people to visit, more studying to be done, more preparation to do. What Christian's must do, what Christian leaders must do, is constantly remember that we serve our God and Maker and Redeemer under the Gospel of Grace."

What a great reminder. Like Tom Carson, I usually feel like a complete failure when it comes to ministry. I need to constantly remind myself that my assurance and joy are not tied to my 'performance' in ministry, but in Christ himself. I can't be any more or less justified based on apparent successes in the ministry. More so, when our acceptance is grounded in Christ, failures will drive us to a deeper dependancy in God. We will realize more and more that we can do nothing apart from Christ, and that everything is by His sovereign grace, according to His purpose.